Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
