I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
