I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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