my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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