I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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