Don't make out with my wife yet
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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