after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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