Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
