is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
