Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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