I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
