i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
