the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
