I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
