I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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