There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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