You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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