This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
