plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
