I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
