we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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