I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize