1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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