I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The uberlube is also flammable
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize