Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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