she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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