I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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