Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize