no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
