he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
