i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
