the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
