I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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