You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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