My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
