Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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