What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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