Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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