My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
