I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
