i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
