I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
