well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
