I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
