Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
