i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
