Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you win again, gameday.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
