If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
