Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
