Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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