I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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