You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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