I wish I could teleport
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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