I think I won the penis lottery.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
