i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
