If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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