The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
