the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
