Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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