We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
