Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
