i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
